There were words spoken that I should never had said to my wife. They started a conflict that would take many years to resolve. And maybe it’s still not completely overcome. My wife and I could raise children and build houses together, but somewhere in there, at the last hours of an evening we would find ourselves in separate rooms.

Looking back it was no one’s fault. But I blamed her for things that I shouldn’t have. And so my words fanned the fire of conflict which born confusion and anger.

There was a time I blamed others for my son’s death, but I was wrong. When a small vial of heparin appeared it shook me from a dream. For Matt was on it during that last night before all things changed.

I wanted things to be different, but they weren’t and so anger engaged and raged inside, and then came forth the words that I should not have said. Other words would follow in the years to come, but now they are no more. There was no one to blame, no one to be angry with. Just because I thought certain thoughts and made judgments I came to believe were true, did not make them so.

There are people I have hurt, for this I am deeply sorry. Maybe there are words that could justify it, but I will not try to find them. Maybe it is to honor the past and learn from it, but to not live in it. But also to remember how I still love the ones I have loved before. It seems because a relationship ends and communication ceases we forget. But I would not be here in this time and place if it wasn’t for them.